For most of my life, I got what I wanted. If I worked hard for something, I earned it. If I wanted a leadership position, I received it. If I wanted an award, I achieved it. Call me lucky, spoiled, #blessed, or all of the above, but that was life as I knew it… until I decided to attend medical school.
Medical school is unarguably one of the most difficult chapters in my life so far. Much of the time, it seems impossible. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here. Did I get that acceptance phone call by mistake? is just one of the negative thoughts that runs through my mind more times than I would like to admit. Each day, I am scared that I am forgetting every detail. Each day, I am afraid that I am not learning the information quickly enough. I often question why God placed the desire to become a physician in my heart. How will I ever pass my boards exams? How will I ever match into a residency program? I feel overwhelmed thinking about the fact that I will be handling the precious lives of future patients in just a few short years.
These thoughts, fears, and self-criticisms are constantly in my head, draining the little bit of self-confidence I had when I started medical school. They have even depleted my confidence in the Lord. Yet, despite my lack of faith in myself and lack of complete trust in God, I am still here. I am still learning, growing, and improving every day. I have the privilege to learn how to treat and heal human lives. I am not the best in the classroom, but I know I have much more to offer. Maybe this difficult season in my life is preparing me for a bigger and brighter one ahead, or maybe it’s a test of my faith. All I know is that my purpose here in the medical field is just beginning. Even though it is hard, even when I feel like I might not make it, I am still here and I am determined to keep going. Those tiny flower buds of self-confidence and faith are waiting to bloom again.